Revamped
Released 2007
Well when I sat down to watch Revamped my girlfriend was really hoping for a vampire makeover movie, that would have been great. You know like well vampires live forever right, so obviously every few years they are gonna have to do some revamping of their lives and do like makeovers and shit so people don’t get suspicious, right? So therefore there could be a movie about vampire makeovers. After explaining this I also thought that would be great, actually that would be downright amazing In fact someone should make that into a movie. I wont even charge for the idea.
What I got instead was something so much better. It was like somewhere between porn quality acting and scripting (minus the sex of course) and soap opera lighting and camera work. Pure and total unadulterated, unabashed cheese. And boy howdy was it enjoyable. Pure garbage through and through, but garbage of the highest calibre of course. Full of low budget actors, from TV/b-movies/porn/wrestling, I mean what else could you possibly hope for from this.
Okay, okay as a disclaimer this is a pretty lame movie, if you have no sense of humor and can’t understand why really cornball movies that are badly made might be fun, then you should avoid this at all costs. Okay basically what it is about is this, presumably, wealthy man who discovers his wife is cheating on him, only to see an ad on late night TV for becoming a vampire. He decides this will be the best revenge. So he makes a deal with the company to become a vampire. The only problem is that at his funeral his wife, who he has cut out of the will, has him cremated instead of buried.
So cut ahead to five years later where his urn is still at the funeral home and some sort of satanic cult is buying bodies from the undertakers. They kill the undertakers and knock the urn over in the ensuing excitement ,and of course as soon as his ashes touch the blood, viola! instant vampire. And of course in the intervening time vampires have been nearly exterminated by the government who decided that the epidemic of people being transformed after watching the late night commercials was getting out of hand. So he has to try to find his wife get revenge and find the vampire that changed him as he has fallen madly in love with her, really not for any explicable reason at all. And all this while running from the dreaded vampire hunter unit.
So basically it is this pretty hilarious, pretty bad vampire movie, not at all frightening or disturbing, nor particularly dark, but playful and awfully strange. Lots of cheesy one liners, some a little too groan inducing, but lots of bizarro silliness. Actually I might even watch this again, yes it was that good. (as a note I don’t tend to watch movies more than once, not really for any discernible reason, I just can’t get into them the second time around.)
And just because I think this will totally sell you on Revamped, there is a part where he is waiting for his vampire transformation where he imagines himself as a vampire and the revenge he will get, and well basically it is the most clichéd movie vampire images that come to your mind, and it is pretty frigging awesome.
